STUCK ON STUPID:
A VERY BLUNT REVIEW OF THE LATEST NO-BRAINER 'BRAND NEW DAY'

BY Michael McDaniel

Editors note: This article contains spoilers!!!

            Have you ever done something that you knew you would regret or that would hurt you? I mean, in my youth, there was the typical situation of going out drinking with friends in spite of having to get up in the A.M. to go to class or work. I did this many times, knowing full well that I would not be worth a damn the next day. I did something today that I swore that I would not do (as more than one of my loyal customers may remember). Despite the fact that I knew that after I did so, it would hurt. Boy howdy! I picked up and read a copy of Amazing Spider-man #546, the first part of the ‘Brand New Day’ storyline which is coming at us three times a month. For the $3.99 cover price, I was expecting a little more. The best and briefest description that I could come up with is this: under-whelmed!
            I know I trashed the ‘One More Day’ storyline…and I know that I told more than a few of you guys that I would not read what comes next. Well, I lied…or at the very least over-exaggerated in my self-imposed exile from all things webby. What can I say, I love comics and I love reading them even more. In this case, I should have stuck to my guns. I may have to go to a priest to exorcise these demons! I went back on what I said I would do and here I am jotting down some lines about how awful it was. Let me be straight, do not buy this! I know that seems a little odd coming from a guy who makes his living off of getting people to buy comics…but there are too many other books out there that are really good to waste your hard-earned money on this crap!

If I wanted slackers, I'd favor a series about TS and Brodie from Mallrats. Or better, bring back a Jay and Silent Bob series!

            What’s wrong with the ret-con Spider-man restart? Glad you asked. Allow me to fill you in. Spidey…or should I say Pete is a total slacker. He has no job. I mean, there is no clear indication how old he is supposed to be but he is out of college. In the current issue, it does state while Pete is on a job hunt that he has worked as a teacher in the past…so that would put him somewhere in his mid-twenties or maybe even approaching the big three-o. We also learn that he has recently moved back in with Aunt May, who has to wake up the “sleep-til-noon” wall-crawler to get him out on the trail of a new job. So without a job, he has no money. Wow, Spidey has returned to the way he was when I was in high school…and that was over twenty years ago. When I stop and think how drastically my life has changed in that last twenty years (marriage, house, kid, etc.) and then compare to Pete’s new (old) life, I cringe at how little has changed in the new “big change.” So much for the hero setting an example for the rest of us to follow (or live up to). But then again, Marvel heroes (Hulk, Iron Man, and the new Captain America carrying a freakin’ gun) really aren’t all that heroic lately.

See the guy in the reflection in Spidey's eyes, that's you and me in a few months when the book stops selling and the folks at Marvel gets hungry!

            So instead of turning it in early to get some sleep to prepare himself to start the job hunt the next day, Pete decides to go out bar-hopping with Harry Osborn- which ends with Pete getting mugged and his web-shooters stolen. But back to my point…stay on target!... Pete hangs with Harry (who’s alive and still hates Spidey despite the fact Norman is also alive), his latest bimbo, and their brainy roommate Carlie. Please realize that Carlie is kind of like Pete in that she’s brainy and a bookworm. The only difference is she has a job and a career! I am expecting Marvel to hook the pair up so Pete will have a girlfriend who he can mooch off of in true slacker style. Never mind the freakin’ wife that he’s had for the last twenty years of real time. Thanks once again Marvel for that crap-sandwich we got in Amazing #545…at least we had bread, right?
            While at the club, Pete actually borrows money from Harry. Whoa! I used to say that between Batman and Spider-man, Spidey would be the superhero you would most want to be because of the baggage that comes with being Bruce Wayne…you know, the whole parents-shot-in-front-of-your-eyes-at-eight thing, right? Now, maybe Bats doesn’t sound all that bad. Despite all his bat-hang ups…and, trust me, he’s got a whole lot of them…at least Bruce Wayne has got enough self-respect not to bum some bread off of Clark Kent (the fact that he’s a gizzilionaire doesn’t hurt). The whole book reminds me of the Spider-man movie franchise. In fact, the real motive behind this ret-con might be to mirror the Spidey trilogy. Did they forget the fans of the web-head who came before the millions of Johnny-come-latelys that Marvel seems to be targeting with this crap-fest - despite the fact they haven’t exactly knocked down the doors in droves lately to get their hands on the latest issues.
            My biggest gripe is that Pete never once spins a web. In fact, he never even gets in to the costume. Now before you start in on me and ask me to cut him some slack…the comic is called the ‘Amazing Spider-man’ right? A better name for this would be “Amazing Peter Parker starring Spiderman”…or, better yet “Peter Parker and his Amazing Friends”. I know comics and my point in pointing that out is that most people buy comics of any hero under the sun to see and read the exploits of that particular hero! Don’t get me wrong, seeing him/her out of the union suit and interacting with the real world is good - just as seeing him/her dealing with their supporting cast is good. In the case of a storyline called a ‘Brand New Day,’ at least have the courtesy to match the interior with the cover of the comic. The cover features him in costume and web-swinging.
            The main story lasts twenty-three pages. The art is good…no it’s great. Steve McNevin is a fantastic comic artist. I remember his pages from Civil War #2 where Pete first unmasked and…well, that’s not part of Marvel Continuity anymore thanks to ‘One More Day’. Dan Slott is a great writer but he’s been given the worst job since Rich McKay took over the NFL expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers and promptly went 0-26 and didn’t get a notch in the win column till their third season. The rest of the book contains three back-up stories starring Aunt May, Harry Osborne, and some initiative bozo named Jackpot- who turns out to be Mary Jane. What's next? Jarvis with powers? Some Jackpot…more like pot luck!
            I can’t get over the lessons that Pete hasn’t learned or how much he resembles a child in this series and not a man. He needs to grow up. He needs to be taught a lesson while at the same time correcting what was done in the previous story arc.  I know just the way to do this - without doing exactly what Quesada and Straczynski managed to do in ‘One More Day’. In fact, rather than finishing this review criticizing what Marvel published, I will step into Slott’s shoes and pretend I’m a big shot comic writer rather than a humble comic book store owner. In doing this, I would have one simple rule, however. One that Marvel had no qualms about violating to our detriment. I would not callously undo what others had done before me. I’ll respect their work and hard labor even if I disagree with their choices. Anything that was written before is canon and it stays - no matter how bad.

The classic 'Ajax and Cassandra' painting from 1886 by Solomon.

            My pitch is this: Pete and MJ made a deal with the devil, right? Well, I know that the Devil (or Mephisto in this case) will get his pound of flesh one way or another. Classic literature has numerous examples of mortals making deals with gods or other beings of seemingly limitless power for what ends up being faux gains. The one that comes to mind to me is the case of Cassandra, the daughter of Priam and a Trojan princess. In one account, she makes a deal with Apollo to receive the boon of his power of prophecy. When she reneges on her part of the bargain, he does what any self-respecting Greek God would do- he curses her! She can tell the future and see it clearly. The catch is that no one can understand her prognostications. The Parkers have a lesson like this coming. And no hero can learn a lesson like Spider-man. Remember, Pete could have stopped the man that murdered Uncle Ben. “With Great Power comes Great Responsibility” - that is Spider-man’s mantra. Pete needs to be reminded of that.

The Skrulls may be the answer to save Pete and MJ's marriage.

            Our pair of once married/now whatever lovers sacrificed their marriage to save the life of dear old Aunt May despite the obvious flying-in-the-face of the natural order of things. So that is fine and is set in stone in my pitch. They saved her. But remember, there is a Secret Invasion of Skrulls out there in the Marvel Universe. Joe Quesada, the Marvel top-dog editor and hopefully soon unemployed worker, stated at the Comic Con back last summer that anyone who has died and has come back is a prime candidate to be a Skrull sleeper agent.
            Back in Amazing Spider-man #400, a certain older aunt happened to kick the bucket in a 90s style die-cut cover classic. What if sweet, old Aunt May is a Skrull? What if the Skrull was the one shot by Kingpin’s Assassin?  What If our blundering pair of married idiots saved the life of the person that they believed was Aunt May only to find out it was a green, wrinkled-chin, shape-shifting, card-carrying alien bent on God knows what? Would that be enough of a lesson to teach Pete and MJ the folly of their deeds which amount to them usurping God?

Crazy Slacker Genius?

            No. That’s too poetic and too good. This Marvel we’re talking about. They want to Spidey into something he used to be. Change is good only if it is a change for the better (keep that in mind in this years election no matter whom or what party you support). Albert Einstein once said “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius- and a lot of courage- to move in the opposite direction”. But what do you expect? This is Marvel we’re talking about. They’re stuck on stupid. Until this changes, Make mine anything but Marvel.